Let Me Tell You Something Read online

  BEHIND THE SCENES

  We all dress ourselves on the show! People always tell me how great it must be to be given all these clothes to wear on TV. We are never given a wardrobe; everything you see on TV is something that I went out and bought for myself. I don’t get sent free clothes from designers—I wish!—I just make do with what I have in the closet. Even for reunion shows, we dress ourselves, but at those times, Bravo will suggest what color we can dress in. Then they send a stylist to our house to photograph us in what we want to wear, and a couple of other options that they choose from our wardrobe. After Bravo looks at the photos, we find out what we are permitted to wear. But it’s still our own clothing!

  There are so many wonderful options when it comes to sexy beachwear. You don’t have to wear a thong and a string bra-top to the beach to make a splash. There are all kinds of wraps and sheer tops that hint at your body and make you look incredible, while still keeping things modest.

  Ask Caroline

  Caroline: As I age, my metabolism is slowing down more each year. How do you fight this and keep your figure?

  Ughhh, tell me about it! This is a huge struggle for me and I’m sure many other men and women out there too!

  As we age, our metabolism slows down and we start to lose muscle mass. We have to almost reinvent ourselves and our way of life to accommodate the changes in our body.

  Because we have less muscle mass, we burn fewer calories. Therefore our calorie intake should change; our body can sustain itself on fewer calories. It’s not the same as when we were younger. Everyone is built differently so I suggest you see a professional nutritionist or your doctor for guidance.

  Another thing we need to do is exercise more! Try to get yourself in the gym or walking or jogging at least three times a week—every day if you can!

  You’ll feel better, I promise!

  Get plenty of sleep; studies show that lack of sleep can contribute to weight gain (not to mention it makes you grumpy!).

  Drink plenty of water; I carry a water bottle around with me constantly.

  Good luck, and welcome to the club.

  When I go to the beach or a pool with my boys, I will always err on the side of caution. I’ll wear a one-piece, with a wrap around my waist, or a full-length sheer sundress over my bathing suit. I still feel like I look great, and I don’t have to worry about anyone feeling uncomfortable—including myself!

  So next Memorial Day, don’t sweat about losing those ten pounds of winter weight. Spend your time picking the most gorgeous one-piece and sundress you can find, and make your kids proud. Realize that sexy comes in many forms, and you’ll have a much more relaxed summer!

  PART VI

  LIFE

  I’m a badass with a heart;

  I cry at Kodak commercials.

  It’s very likely that you may have judged me wrong. Most people I meet because of the TV show are surprised that I’m friendly, open-minded and not as matriarchal as I am on the show. And now that you’re getting to know me, I figure it’s time we can share a secret. I’m a softie.

  Don’t get me wrong—I am very strong. I am very determined. I have my feet solidly planted on the ground, but I’m also sweet and I can be vulnerable.

  When I look at myself, I still see the shy child I was. At school, I never thought anyone wanted to be my friend. I would sit alone in the lunchroom and not talk to another soul. I never went to dances; I didn’t socialize with my school companions very much at all. Imagine my surprise when, after I left school, I found out that all the football players had wanted to date me, but they thought I was aloof and they didn’t know how to approach me.

  BEHIND THE SCENES

  I can’t stop mothering my crew. My mothering instincts just kick in whenever I see something wrong with one of them. Last winter, one of my producers was so sick with the flu, coughing and blowing her nose constantly. Right in the middle of a scene, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went to my medicine chest—with the whole crew following me and filming—and I got some Theraflu out, pointed at her, and told her to take it right there on the spot. She was shaking her head no, but I insisted. Some people say they get so used to the cameras that they forget they are there, but I’m not wired that way. My crew are guests in my home, so I take care of them.

  The source of my shyness came from a feeling of being “different.” My family moved from New York to New Jersey in high school, and I just didn’t fit in. Being one of eleven kids was a great education; it taught me how to negotiate. It taught me how to do without; it taught me loyalty. But it was a double-edged sword, because my family, my sisters and brothers, were my best friends back then. I had little incentive to come out of my shell at school and socialize with others.

  I’m most content just sitting and watching people. I can sit and watch people for hours; I wonder what their stories are. I study body language. And I’m very good at reading people. I’m very intuitive. For whatever reason, I don’t know if I’m half a witch or what, but I have a very good sense of what people are feeling.

  BEHIND THE SCENES

  One of the most frustrating things about doing the show is that we never know where the season is going, but the producers do. Those guys hear what all of us are saying, so they know everyone’s secrets. They know which feuds are brewing and when they are likely to explode. No matter how hard you beg them to let you in on what’s happening, they will never tell you. We never ever have a script to follow, but we are told to turn up at certain events or places. What happens at these meetings are our real reactions because we honestly don’t know what we’re in for. But it’s incredibly hard when you are walking into an event, and you don’t know if it’s going to be fun, or an ambush.

  More often than not you will never know what’s going on in my mind. I’m happiest being quiet and letting you do the talking.

  That’s why it’s so weird that I have the opposite reputation on TV. I believe fighting, yelling, and controversy get you nowhere. But I’m surrounded by it on the show. What am I supposed to do? Back down? I never back down. And if I’m wrong, I will apologize. I owed a huge apology to Kathy and Melissa at the end of season three. I had been fed misinformation about them, and rather than checking with them, I just assumed that they were not my friends. I treated them poorly as a result. I regret what I said to them and how it blew out of proportion. I have since apologized, but I know I was wrong to do what I did, and that makes me feel awful about it to this day.

  Reflecting on the Real Housewives seasons I feel I’ve been fair on the show. I’ve called people on their bullshit, but for the most part, I’ve actually sat on the sidelines for a lot of the big drama. I haven’t been manipulative or evil in any way.

  What makes me cry

  1. When old people are abused or are having a hard life. It really breaks my heart. If I see an old bag lady in the winter, I lose it.

  2. Anytime my kids are upset, my tears aren’t far behind.

  3. Whenever I see a report of child abuse. I cry, then I want to go hunt down the people who did it.

  4. Any natural disaster; I think of the people trapped and worried and concerned for their families. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to go through something like that.

  5. Any child with a life-threatening disease. I was blessed with three healthy children, and when I hear of someone finding out their child has a serious illness, it devastates me.

  I truly hate to hurt people. Seeing people suffer makes me cry. I’ll be driving in Manhattan with my husband, and I’ll see a homeless woman. Immediately I imagine her life, and how hard it is, and I’ll start to cry. I cry easily at the upsetting things in the world.

  Some may say I’m overly sensitive, but my sensitivity defines me, and has made me into a nurturing and caring mother, wife, and friend.

  So if you meet me hoping to see some fireworks, you’re likely to be disappointed. I’m actually a very quiet person. Well, I’m as quiet as a mouse until someone backs me up against a wall
and takes a swing at me or my family. In that case, get out of my way. Run as fast as you can.

  Book smarts are great, but

  without street smarts and

  personality, you got nothing.

  I’ve been surrounded by smart people my whole life, some of them have degrees from the best schools in the world, some of them never finished high school. And as much as I respect someone pursuing an education, that degree ain’t worth the paper it’s printed on if you don’t have street smarts to go with it.

  Book smarts will get you through the door, but your personality will keep you in the room. No matter how qualified you are, you have to be able to talk and be truly engaging to get anywhere in life. If you don’t have that, who cares what a piece of paper says?

  I did not go to college. My parents had to care and pay for eleven children, and I didn’t want to burden them with the cost of sending me to school. I dreamed of becoming a child psychologist or an attorney, that’s what I really wanted to be. But I knew that my dad needed me at his work. I graduated high school, and the next day I started work in his office. I didn’t go to the yearbook signing party; I didn’t go to my prom. And to this day, I consider going to work for my dad to be one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.

  I did his books, ran his office, handled his creditors, and learned to think fast. That job made me who I am today. My time with my dad, being by his side, watching him at work, was invaluable. My dad never even finished high school, but he is literally a genius. We would start each workday with a stop at the church to say a prayer. My dad was a hard worker, but he didn’t forget the important things in life, and he didn’t take anything for granted.

  One of the most valuable experiences I had in my dad’s office, as awful as it was at the time, was being there as his business fell apart. His company dealt in plastics, and suddenly there was a shortage of the plastic pellets he needed for his business. It crippled my father’s company. I remember working the phones and having to bullshit my way through all these phone calls. I was eighteen, juggling customers and creditors, and helping my dad keep his head above water.

  I saw him fail, I saw him fall, and I saw him pick himself up again because he had to, for his family. It made me so proud of my father. I worked for him until right before I got married at twenty-two. I saw the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I learned what to do in business, and what not to do. That was the best education I could ever have gotten.

  My father was a pit bull in business. When things got ugly, he was a madman. He taught me the value of managing a group and understanding its dynamics. There’s always one leader in a group, and at least one bad apple. Learning to tell the difference has always helped me in business and in life.

  I’m probably gonna get a lot of shit for this, but I don’t care. I’m going to say this: it is my feeling that if you don’t go to college for a very specific thing, like to become a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist, an architect, something very specific, don’t go. If you’re going to college just to have the college experience, don’t waste your friggin’ money.

  I’d estimate that 90 percent of the people I know who’ve graduated from a university are not doing what they went to college for. Life gets in the way of many career plans, so if you aren’t gonna be a doctor, save your money. Get out there, pound the pavement, identify what you want to do with your life, and go after it with everything you can. Be a warrior.

  If you don’t have a degree and you want a job that requires one, go in there and stand up for yourself. Tell them that you may not have a degree but you’re a badass and you’re good at what you do. Then tell them that if they give you the job, they can pay you half the salary for two months, and you’ll show them. Remind them that someday in their past someone took a chance on them. Be honest, have balls, show initiative.

  A degree is only as good as what you intend to use it for. Albie’s business degree from Fordham is hanging on the wall in my office, and it makes me proud, but I’m just as proud of my other kids, who didn’t go to college. Lauren went to a trade school and learned to be a cosmetologist. And Christopher went to the school of life. I had all three possible educational experiences with my kids—college, no college, and trade school. And they’re all equally successful.

  Albie’s using his degree in business with his brother, but Christopher is the bait and hook. He gets the meeting, he uses his street smarts to keep potential clients interested, and then Albie comes in with his business knowledge to close the deal. Together they’re dynamic, they’re a great team. Christopher is the guy you want to go out on the golf course with; he’s the guy you want sitting at the bar with you. It’s his street smarts that save the day, every time. Christopher learned something in the real world that you just can’t learn in college: how to read people and how to keep them engaged and earn their trust. It’s always having these qualities, as well as a college degree, that make a business a success.

  I laugh a lot. At myself. And

  so should you. Humor will get

  you through the hard times.

  The thing that bugs me most about Real Housewives is that they always make me look so damn serious. The fact is, that couldn’t be further from the truth: I’m probably the most easygoing person on that show.

  I love to laugh. Most of the day, there’s a smile on my face. I know that doesn’t make for great reality TV, but it’s me. I’ve gotten through every tough time in my life by laughing, and not always at the right things.

  In 1983 my husband lost his father, and afterward, my mother-in-law’s house was overrun by people. It was a crazy, dark, intense time. Everyone was dealing with the shock of his loss, and the sadness of his absence. He was a popular man, and the visitors kept flooding in to pay their respects. When you thought that the house couldn’t hold another person, there’d be twenty more people at the door.

  After a full day of visitors the family just wanted to be alone, and tensions were starting to rise. I went into the kitchen with Al’s aunt Joan to make the fifty thousandth pot of coffee for the newest batch of visitors. She and I looked at each other funny, and I quipped “Should we make some coffee?” which was what we’d been doing all day. Suddenly, we both burst out laughing. We cracked up so hard that we ended up on the floor, laughing at God knows what—who knows!

  I’ll always remember she sent me a letter afterward, telling me that our laughing fit got her through one of the toughest days of her life.

  BEHIND THE SCENES

  My kids and I always try to make the camera guys crack up. It’s the worst thing they can do, because if they make a noise, the shot is ruined and they’ll get their ass kicked. So, of course, it’s a goal of ours to tell a sudden shocking joke or do a visual stunt that makes our camera guy laugh out loud. I honestly hope that one day they’ll do a bloopers reel of all this hilarious stuff that didn’t make it on air, so that you guys can see how much fun we had making the show. It’s hysterical.

  Laughing gives such a release. Sometimes a good laugh can derail a good cry. Though I do get a little embarrassed when a laughing fit comes on during a less-than-appropriate time. Without fail, I will erupt into giggles at a viewing before a funeral if the deceased is wearing glasses. I can’t explain it. I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I mean it’s the most ridiculous thing. Put the glasses in their hands, or in the pocket of their jacket. Those glasses certainly are not going to help them see any better now. Al is getting pretty good at explaining that one—people stare at him, as if I’m deranged for laughing. He just nods understandingly and says “it’s the glasses.” The harder I try to mask the laughter, the worse it gets. But, hey, it beats the heck out of crying!

  I was dreadful when it came to disciplining the kids when they were little. They’d make a silly mistake, and you’d have to let them have it. But they would always look so cute and they’d say the cutest things that I could never keep a straight face. I would leave the room and just crumble into fits of laughter while Al kept up
the bad-cop routine.

  Lauren especially would get me going. Al’s favorite band is Queen, so we were always listening to their music at home. Little Lauren loved the music too, so much that she made a sign, using the lyrics from one of their songs, and hung it on her bedroom door—AND NOW YOU CAN KISS MY ASS GOOD-BYE. She was so proud of herself. When I saw it I laughed so hard I was crying, but we had to try to show her why it was wrong. Thankfully Al can keep a straighter face than I!

  Much worse was the time when she was ten, and the boys decided to trick her by telling her that the word jerk off was a term of endearment! On that day we had family visiting. Al’s mother came up to Lauren to greet her. “Hi, Lala, how are you?” she said. You can imagine my mother-in-law’s horror when her darling granddaughter turned to her and said, smiling sweetly, “Hi, jerk off!” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but then I saw Albie and Christopher bust up laughing, and I knew they’d set her up. I saw the humor in it, and whenever I remember that moment, it still brings a smile to my face.

  I try to keep my humor respectful. Nobody likes being laughed at. I used to hate it, but I’ve been forced by the show to come to terms with it. You need to develop a thick skin and learn how to laugh it off once you decide to make your life public. Everyone on the Web has an opinion, and it was tough at first. It still can be.

  In season four, we featured Lauren’s weight struggle on the show, and I’ve always been so supportive of her. I was shocked when the public reacted so poorly. They insisted that I was a bad parent for humiliating my child in public. Lauren’s decision to share her weight battle was made by Lauren. Trust me—if she hadn’t been comfortable with it being on TV, you wouldn’t have seen a single mention of it on the show. It’s hard to laugh off the rude comments when they are about your mothering.