Let Me Tell You Something Page 19
I have always thought of my books as my friends. Though now I carry my NOOK ereader with me on flights to save my back from lugging a heavy load, I still love the feel of a book, the weight and smell of the paper. When I got this opportunity to write a book for you all, I was so honored. The whole time I was writing it, I was aware that the little girl who used to go to the library with her mother, and marvel at all the books, would soon have her own book in that library.
I will always be grateful for this opportunity, and to each and every one of you who are reading this right now. Life is a crazy ride, and I could never have dreamed that one day, I would get the chance to be an author. I don’t know how successful this book will be, or whether you’ll love it or hate it, but it’s been a project so near and dear to my heart that I will always be amazed when I hold this book in my hands. And for that, I thank you.
Caroline’s all-time favorite reads
1. Gone with the Wind—Margaret Mitchell
2. White Oleander—Janet Fitch
3. The Help—Kathryn Stockett
4. The Client—John Grisham
5. Defending Jacob—William Landay
6. The Glass Castle—Jeannette Walls
7. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo—Stieg Larsson
8. The Da Vinci Code—Dan Brown
9. The Red Tent—Anita Diamant
10. The Bluest Eye—Toni Morrison
Respect is free, but
you gotta earn your keep.
True respect is possibly the greatest thing in the world. It is love, it’s admiration, and it’s something that you build over time by being a good person. And once you have it, you are responsible for living up to the respect that you were given. It’s powerful and it’s amazing. You can never assume that someone will respect you just because of who you are, and you can never take it for granted once you get it. Just because you gave birth doesn’t make you a mother. Just because you impregnated someone doesn’t make you a father. You have to earn that respect. I don’t expect you to respect me. I’m happy to work for it.
I’ve been forced to really think about respect since I got cast on the Real Housewives. My life has been exposed to millions of people, and now my life is considered to be public property. For the most part, I’ve been treated with respect. I’ve been lucky. But of course there are some assholes out there.
BEHIND THE SCENES
I love filming the interview segments. We probably shoot one every two weeks when we are in production, which means we have already shot the scenes and the editors are piecing the footage together to make the episodes. The producers arrive at my house armed with pages of questions, and it’s just me, talking to a producer for eight or nine hours straight. We get hair and makeup when we film these interviews (we also get hair and makeup for the reunion shows), so it feels a bit more glamorous. Don’t get me wrong—as much fun as these segments are, they can also be draining. You go from laughter to tears and back again. But I love them because it’s just me, reacting and telling the truth. Nobody is trying to mess with me! Filming these segments is the only time I feel free and truly comfortable when we are shooting the show.
I stopped reading online comments after season one. A coward behind a computer doesn’t bother me at all. It’s pointless to empower a stranger who is trying to hurt you. I realize they don’t truly know me—if I saw them on the street, I wouldn’t recognize them. So their comments don’t mean anything to me. I have never looked for respect from people who don’t know me, so once I started on the show, I was in good shape to deal with the slings and arrows.
My viewers, on the other hand, matter to me, a lot. Their respect means the world to me. They’re the reason I’m here. They’re the reason I’m writing this book. Even though Bravo put out a great television show, the fans are the ones that keep it going, and for that, I respect and appreciate them.
My goal on this show is to be able to get to the end of it with respect from the viewers still intact. That was one of the first things I told myself when I found out I got the job on Real Housewives. Anything I do in front of a camera lives forever, any behavior, any damn stupid brain fart, lives forever on the Internet. So from the very start, I promised myself I’d keep my cool and never resort to any sort of regrettable name-calling. As tough as it has gotten, I think I’ve done OK.
I blew my cool at the first-season reunion, because my family was being attacked. I was also very inexperienced, and that was the first time we’d sat down as a panel, and obviously, the questions were designed to get us to react. I hated that I lost my temper, and I hated it that people saw me that way. I was frustrated and angry. As soon as I calmed down, I vowed to myself to never be that easily manipulated again. Sometimes the best way to respect yourself and others is to shut your mouth completely.
I maintain silence out of respect for myself. Like Popeye says, I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam. Quite frankly, when all is said and done, when this fifteen minutes is up, I’m going to turn around and look at the four faces I love more than anything in the world and say, “What do you want for dinner?” I know who I am. I don’t need to prove myself to anybody. I am confident that my legacy from this show will be positive and respectful.
I’m Albert’s wife, and Albie,
Christopher, and Lauren’s
mom, but I never forgot
who Caroline Manzo is.
It might surprise people who don’t know me too well, but as much as being a wife and a mother is my life, I consider myself Caroline Manzo first, wife and mother second. The other titles are great, but they aren’t the girl I was born.
I have clung to my individuality through thick and thin. And I think this is one of the greatest success secrets I ever stumbled upon. I believe that staying true to myself has been the key to a long, happy marriage, and it has made my kids stronger and happier. It has given me a great moral compass, and it has given me confidence in all kinds of circumstances.
In love, the most important thing for me is to always remain the same girl that Al fell in love with. When Al looks at me these days, he tells me he sees the nineteen-year-old me that he fell for. This doesn’t mean I’m acting like some crazy celebutante or dressing like a kid, it just means that I still have the same energy and heart that I have had all my life.
On the day that all the kids are finally out of the house, the last thing I would ever want is for Albert to look at me and see a stranger. I think that happens to a lot of couples; they have been so focused on kids, career, and life that they just let themselves drift apart.
It hasn’t always been easy. There were times when I lost touch with myself. Life got on top of me and things got hard. After three kids in three years, I gave up. The last thing I could think of was putting on makeup or high heels. I had always had long hair until I got pregnant with Christopher. I got so sick of having to deal with it, I chopped it off. I let go of all the things in my life that made me Caroline. I lost myself in a mix of exhaustion and apathy, and I just didn’t care anymore.
Ways to make time for yourself in a busy life
1. Take a class at a local college. Study something that interests you, whether it’s art or history or learning a second language.
2. Join a group, like a book club or a scrapbooking club, ceramics, painting. Bounce off other people in a creative environment.
3. Enroll in a gym and take classes. You’ll always feel better if you’ve exercised, and the benefit is that you’ll also look better.
4. Find a quiet corner in your house and make it your own to read, knit, write, or do whatever you like to do at home.
5. Go to a park and sit on a bench by yourself. Feel the breeze and the sun on your face. Watch kids play and do some good people-watching.
It was a huge trap and I fell into it, time and time again. Sometimes for a month, sometimes just for a day or a week. And then I’d see myself in a mirror and gasp. I’d realize I was being Mommy, and not Caroline. I’d snap myself out of it
and do whatever it took to get everything back on track.
When I was pregnant with Christopher I got my real estate license, and that was something that I did just for me. On top of giving me my own income—so I could buy my own Keds sneakers, the must-have for every woman of the 1990s—it gave me a reason to put on lipstick and heels, get out of the house, and meet people. It gave me a great sense of self-worth, which felt even better when I was able to put Albie through Fordham with the money I made selling real estate. My husband could have paid for it, but it was something that I wanted to do. I bought Lauren her first car. These things gave me such a sense of accomplishment. I was proud of myself.
Keeping in touch with yourself in the middle of motherhood isn’t easy, but it’s crucial. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and you’ll be a better mother for it.
There’s always someone out
there who’s got it worse than
you. Say a prayer and help them.
We live in the best country in the world. We have so much to be grateful for. And one thing that drives me crazy, is people who complain nonstop about problems that aren’t that significant. You see it all the time on Facebook—“Worst. Day. Ever!” someone will post, usually because she spilled her coffee or got stuck in traffic.
I just shake my head. Somebody lost a child today, somebody found out she had cancer today. Somewhere on this Earth, thousands of people are fighting for their lives, right now. There’s a growing sense of entitlement in this country, with people expecting everything to be perfect for them, and if anything isn’t, people are always so quick to blame others. Newsflash: that’s not the way it works. You’re losing your mind because you put shoes on hold at the mall and they sold them? Big deal. Get a grip. You’re blessed if that’s your biggest worry.
BEHIND THE SCENES
“Happy Birthday to You” is the most expensive song to use on a TV show—they have to pay rights to air a song—which means that if you’re filming a birthday scene, your friends and family aren’t allowed to sing happy birthday to you. It sounds like a small sacrifice, and in many ways it is. But there’s no getting around the fact that hearing any other song on your birthday is just plain weird, and it makes your birthday feel less special. I don’t think I’ll be filming many more birthdays, because I love it when my family sings “Happy Birthday to You” to me!
People assume that I’m wealthy, that I never had a hard time of anything, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. There were times we couldn’t afford diapers for the kids. When I was pregnant with Albie, we couldn’t afford maternity clothes, so I just wore sweats or leggings and Al’s shirts every day. That winter, I sported this big old bomber jacket I’d bought Al years before. His mother wanted to take me out and buy me a “proper winter coat,” but I was happy wearing his big old coat.
I remember at our poorest, I fell in love with an Esprit blouse at Bamberger’s. The damn thing was just a simple striped shirt, and it was $35. I knew we couldn’t afford it, but that never stopped me from looking at it every time I was in the store. That Christmas, Al’s mom got me the shirt as a surprise.
The lean years have made me very aware of how important it is to keep your perspective when things get tough. No matter how bad things are, somebody else always has it much worse. When we started to have some money and we moved to Franklin Lakes, I made sure to always be involved in the local charities, and find ways to help others. One thing that I love about where I live is that the people of Franklin Lakes are generous and kind. It’s heartening to find that in an affluent community.
Life is short and the cards are dealt randomly. The older I get, the more grateful I am at the end of every day when I still have my family and loved ones around me. I am starting to feel blessed just for making it through each day.
It’s not all roses, I’m not gonna lie. Some days are tougher than others. On a bad day, I will find a way to just drop out for a minute. I’ll go to my bedroom, or I’ll go take a drive around the neighborhood. The streets of New York are great for me to get lost in and do some thinking and get on top of what’s bringing me down and clear my head. I regain my perspective and remind myself I’m so lucky; things aren’t that bad.
Random acts of kindness
You don’t need to go work in a soup kitchen to prove you’re a good person who understands what’s really important in life. Sometimes just shifting your attitude toward those around you is equally as effective. Smile at that stranger. Who knows, that smile might have made the day of someone who is having a rough go at life. Give up your seat on the bus, it’s not gonna kill you. If you see someone’s parking meter expire, throw a quarter in. Help someone with a stroller up the stairs on the subway. There’s always somebody who can benefit from your kindness.
Something good happens every day. During these moments of reflection take a minute to dig a bit deeper and be grateful. So think twice before you throw a tantrum about breaking a nail or losing your phone. Think of how bad things could truly be. Can you imagine being told you have two months to live? If you did, that’s heartbreaking. It’s serious. If you didn’t, then shut up!
Caroline’s ways to give back
I’ve always been involved with charities, and here are three of my favorites. You can easily find a charity that touches your heart for personal reasons if you want to get involved in helping others. You also don’t have to join a charity to make a difference—if you know of someone in your life who needs help, be that person to help. Affecting one life can mean just as much as working for a charity.
The Wounded Warrior Project: No one should be treated with more honor than those who go fight for our country, and unfortunately so many of our warriors return wounded. When they come back they need our help.
Best Friends Animal Sanctuary: This nationwide pet adoption charity is all about saving the lives of animals. I’ve always had dogs and cats and pets, and I love working to get these dogs adopted.
Autism Speaks: This charity is very close to my heart because we have children in our family with autism.
Afterword
I’ve tried to give you a clear picture of who I am, and hopefully you now have a better understanding of me and the rules I live my life by. I hope you got a few laughs out of it, and maybe figured out how to solve a problem or two in your own life.
I’ve shared a lot more than you would ordinarily see on the show, because I’ve been able to speak to you in my own words, from my own mouth.
I still chose to keep a lot of my private life private, and I hope you’re OK with that. Some things have to remain the private possessions of my family. The feuds with various cast mates will continue to be addressed in upcoming seasons, and that’s the appropriate place for them. They didn’t need to be addressed here. It’s been a very difficult tightrope to walk in terms of what I will allow the show to film, and which aspects of my life I want them to show on TV. It’s been even more intense during the process of writing this book. I’ve been driven to talk about things, such as the loss of my father-in-law, that are deeply personal and still carry a lot of hurt with them.
It was an interesting process to be writing this book at the same time as our most difficult season was airing. Season four was filmed directly following season three. We normally have an eight-month break between seasons, but that time we just went right into the next season. This meant that season four was filmed a year before it aired. I was miserable for most of the season. I resented being forced into situations I’d rather avoid with people I didn’t want to associate with. It was painful to be reminded of just how much I did not enjoy that season, and to have to relive it.
My own advice in this book helped me deal with a lot of the frustrations that came from watching how this fourth season played out on-screen. It also helped me get my head straight for the fourth-season reunion show, which I’d been dreading. I took my own advice, and it worked! I was positive, confident, and I stuck to my guns.
You’re probably s
ick of reading this, but I’m going to say it one last time: I’m just a housewife; I’m just a mom. I’m a regular woman who lives in New Jersey and I’ve been catapulted out into the world. I pray that in at least a small way, reading this book has made a difference in your life.
The main thing I’d love you to take away from reading this book is that you can do it too. You can do anything I can do. You can make a change in your life, or somebody else’s. You don’t have to be on television; you don’t have to be famous. You just have to care. You can do it in your own home, you can do it on the block where you live, or you can do it on a bigger scale. If your own life experiences can permit you to help someone going through the same situation, then do it.
Now that you’ve read about my journey, I also hope you’re thinking, holy shit, if she can do it, so can I. I’m living proof that anything is possible. At forty-six years of age I completely turned my life around, and at fifty-one I wrote my first book. If you have a goal, and it’s in your heart and you have the desire and you stand strong, you can make it happen. If you fail the first time, pick yourself up and start again. Make your life happen on your own terms and take control of your future.
I don’t know what the universe has in store for me. I took a leap of faith five years ago, and began a very wild ride. My future is still unwritten. I have no agenda, but I’m going to be as open to new things as I was to this show when it came along. I’m perfectly happy with everything that is going on in my life right now, and I’m excited to see what my next chapters are. Whether it’s more TV, another book, Al’s retirement, or my first grandchild, I’m excited and I’m ready to grab that next brass ring, no matter what.