Let Me Tell You Something Page 10

  Cocaine, meth, heroin, and speed are not only more available these days, but they’re also more affordable. This is perhaps the most terrifying fact of being a parent today. You need to set the ground rules early and stick to them. If you find out, God forbid, that your kids are already using drugs, you only have one option and it’s brutal: tough love.

  I have a friend whose son got hooked on heroin. After a series of lies and heartbreak, my friend kicked his own son out of the house. The kid went and lived on the streets. And his father, every night, would drive around until he found the doorway that his son was sleeping in. Then he’d park down the street and watch over his son for the whole night. His son was so out of his mind on heroin, he never even knew that his father cared so much that he spent every night in a car, making sure his son was not harmed.

  When his son hit rock bottom and asked for help, his father was by his side immediately. They got him into rehab, and they got him clean. The guy has now been sober for years, and he works as a drugs counselor.

  When I found out that some of my kids’ friends were using drugs, I didn’t ban my kids from seeing them, but I made sure they knew never to get in a car with that person if they were high, or to ever go with them when they went to buy drugs.

  One time, some of the boys’ friends were smoking pot in my driveway when I got home. I lost my temper. I rounded up those kids and read them the riot act. The next day, they came back, apologized, and gave me a sign that read KEEP OFF THE GRASS.

  As hilarious as that was, this is one area in which I don’t have much of a sense of humor. I’m still terrified of my kids ever touching drugs, but I’m comforted by the fact that my husband will still kill them well before the drugs can.

  PART IV

  LOVE

  Early boyfriends are your

  training for Mr. Right.

  Before meeting Albert, I went on a lot of dates and had three boyfriends. Some of them were more serious than others. The thing is, back then I was pretty shy, so maybe if I was more outgoing I would have been more popular with the boys. Apparently guys would flirt with me, but I was so oblivious for the most part it would sail right over the top of my head. I just didn’t pay attention. I was always hearing that guys thought I was a snob for not talking, when the reality was, I was just clueless! When I was a senior in high school, I had my first serious boyfriend, this guy Frankie. He was a baseball player, and he looked just like Rocky Balboa. I was such a good girl, and he was so popular, I had to date him. It’s funny now, but to a sixteen-year-old girl, he was irresistible.

  Things didn’t work out of course. He was older than me, and during the seven months that we dated, he kept wanting to have sex. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t ready and I refused. Looking back, it surprises even me that I was able to stand my ground, as I was as gaga in love with him as only a sixteen-year-old girl can be. It wasn’t that I was afraid of my parents finding out, or getting into trouble or anything. I just looked in my heart and saw that I was in no way ready to have sex yet.

  Frankie was always a gentleman with me, but he clearly wanted us to take things further. He never pressured me, but once it became clear I wasn’t going to put out, we split up. The funny thing is, his sister later married my brother, so we became in-laws! He’s my niece’s uncle, and I see him from time to time at family events. I saw him at her birthday party last year, and my brother pointed at him and joked with me, saying, “Isn’t it crazy? If he didn’t break up with you, you would have married him!”

  I looked at my brother and said, “You’re right. I would have married him.” You should have seen the shock on my brother’s face. It’s true. I was so smitten with the guy, if we’d gone all the way and I’d gotten pregnant, we would have gotten married. Would I be as happy as I am now? Most likely not.

  Frankie still teases me that he always believed I’d grow up and be a soccer mom and I’d drive one of those station wagons with wood paneling. When I see him these days, I’m always tempted to read him a list of all the nice cars I’ve driven, the Ferraris and Bentleys and all the rest. I’ve driven station wagons too, but it makes me happy that he was so wrong about the way I’d turn out.

  After Frankie, I dated this guy named Val. It was a lot of fun while it lasted—he was a great-looking guy from a good family. He was a little too privileged, but we dated through the end of high school. His mother was very overprotective and she didn’t exactly welcome me with open arms. When during our graduation speech, our school principal singled me out to say that “Caroline Laurita is the picture of integrity,” I leaned over to Val and told him to tell his mother what the principal had said.

  It didn’t matter too much. After about four months of dating, he cheated on me with one of my best friends. I was devastated, and I broke up with him immediately. I heard he wanted me back, but I refused to ever speak to him again. I think he’s a dermatologist somewhere in South Carolina, now. I’m sure he’s happily married and still a great guy.

  After high school, I started getting more moxie when it came to guys. I found it easier and easier to go up to a guy and start talking to him. One day I was at the gym with one of my sisters and I saw this guy working out. He had great legs. We’re talking amazing, muscular legs. So I decided to go tell him.

  “You have great legs,” I said to him.

  “Do you think so?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I think so, and I think you should take me out,” I boldly replied.

  He seemed a little surprised, but he asked me out. We had dinner together later that week, and we began dating. His name was Mark, and he was very sweet and kind. I liked him. I don’t know that I loved him, though I’m sure I told myself I did at the time. We went on some fun dates and had a lot of laughs together. But everything changed the night I met Al.

  Ask Caroline

  Dear Caroline, I’m thirty-five and recently divorced after a ten-year marriage. He was my first boyfriend, and I have no dating experience. I grew up in an abusive home, but with the help of counseling have been able to get my life in order. My question is, what are the characteristics of a good, decent man who will love me and cherish me like I deserve?

  You’ve been through a lot, but I’m proud that you’ve taken control of your life and are moving forward in a positive direction.

  A good man will immediately treat you with respect and kindness and accept you as you are. A good man never abuses you, he helps around the house, understands you, and cherishes getting to spend time with you.

  True love is a very powerful emotion. When you are deeply connected to someone, you laugh when they laugh, hurt when they hurt. It’s easy to have good times together, but the most telling and important signs come during a rough patch. It’s how you get through the bad times together that really shows you what kind of man he is.

  Good luck. You’re thirty-five years young. Prince Charming is out there somewhere.

  I fell for Albert at my brother’s wedding and broke up with Mark the next day. The poor guy watched me meet Albert, because he was my date at the damn wedding! As soon as he saw us together, he knew it was over for the two of us. He tried to fight for me, but he didn’t know how to handle it. I suddenly knew Mark wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted a superman.

  I’m happy I’d dated the way I did, and in hindsight, I am so grateful that I was cautious with boys. Because when the right guy came along, I was ready.

  How to get a guy’s attention without looking desperate or cheap

  1. Be confident in yourself. Go up and say hello to him. Start a conversation.

  2. Dress to reflect yourself. Don’t dress like you’re on the hunt. Dare to be different.

  3. Laugh, and smile, and be engaged when you finally talk to him.

  4. Leave a little to the imagination. A business suit can be sexier than a tiny dress.

  5. Be clean and polished. Always have your hair neat, your makeup fresh, and your nails and teeth clean.

  6. Don’t walk up chewing gum with a
cigarette hanging out of your mouth.

  7. Attitude is everything. When you talk to him, own the conversation. Flirt very subtly. Have fun with him.

  8. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. A good conversation can be very seductive, but you have to deliver it well.

  I always knew (and wished!) that one day I’d meet that one guy who would blow me off my feet. And I knew that none of the boyfriends before Al were Mr. Right, but I liked them and I was kind to them, and by dating them, I learned a lot about myself and what I wanted in a guy. I’m not saying that everyone has to save themselves for marriage, not at all. I’m just glad I was never a pincushion or a source of locker room conversation. I dated well, and I kept it light. My dating was my training for the longest, most amazing marathon of my life—my marriage to Al.

  Picking a man is like

  picking a racehorse.

  I always tell my kids, yes, you need to be physically attracted to who you date, but it’s not everything. Beauty fades, and when it does, the ugly comes through. You see the person’s soul. It doesn’t matter how stunning he is as a young guy, when you have to deal with the soul, you better pray that he has a good one—and they don’t always match the exterior.

  The Albert I met when I was nineteen was the exact opposite of the guys I’d been attracted to, yet somehow, I knew he was exactly what I wanted for myself and my future. I was immediately able to see his qualities. I saw his dedication to work, I saw the way he loved his family, and as we began to date, I saw the way he was with my younger sisters.

  Frannie and Dina were eight and nine when I started dating Albert, and he was amazing with them. He would come to visit me and end up outside playing ball with them. He’d take them to the zoo on his day off. Al was also obsessed with my baby nephew Joe, and he’d scoop that baby up and bounce him on his knee. You could see that he was good with kids, and that he loved kids. The signs that he’d make a great husband were pretty hard to miss.

  When it came to me, Albert always treated me like gold. He was so sweet and caring, and somehow, even though he worked very long hours, he always managed to make time for me, to the extent that I felt like I was always seeing him. He must have been exhausted, but he never showed it.

  I never imagined I would fall for someone like Al, especially considering how he dressed, but when I got to know him, it became apparent we were meant for each other. Remember, this was 1980 in New Jersey. Al always wore a huge gold medallion, and he accessorized that with a whopping pinkie ring. His hair was permed and he blew it out, and then parted it in the middle. Even for 1980, he was pretty badly dressed. He wasn’t unattractive at all, his face and smile were absolutely gorgeous, and he kind of looked like Elvis, but it was the latter, kind of 1970s Elvis. As you can imagine, this was not cool with nineteen-year-old me.

  Once I realized that I was actually attracted to this gaudy, decent guy, I told myself, sure, he’s all wrong, he’s everything I never wanted, but he’s perfect for me.

  Albert figured out I was the one for him pretty quickly. He’ll always say he never thought he’d get a girl like me; in his mind, I was a catch. To me, he was the catch. I say to this day, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, the signs of a good guy are pretty easy to spot. Talk to a guy and see if he’s on the same page as you. You’re going to need to have the same core values, but you really don’t have to agree on everything. You do have to agree on a couple of the important things—whether you both want children, which one of you will work, what values you want to raise the kids with. Make sure he’s a listener, and trust your instincts to tell you if he’s an honest guy.

  Don’t stress too much about common interests, I’ve never considered them to be essential, or too important at all. It’s probably healthier if you maintain separate interests. Al’s obsessed by technology, golf, hockey, and old westerns. I don’t love any of those things. He had season tickets to the hockey for like twenty years, and I’d go with him every now and then, but I didn’t give a crap about the game. I just went for the company.

  I love to curl up and read. I love to do puzzles. Albert hates to read. But every now and then he’ll bring me home a book that he’s heard is good, and he’ll ask me about what I’m reading.

  Ask Caroline

  Hi, Caroline. I’ve been dating a guy for two and a half years, and we’ve been talking about marriage for at least a year, but he hasn’t popped the question yet. Is it time to kick him to the curb, or should I be patient?

  This is a tough one. No two relationships are the same, so there’s no definitive answer.

  The amount of time you’ve been dating is not reason enough to expect your boyfriend to commit to a life together. You can both talk about it forever, and he may be sincere in his desire to marry you, but it seems like you want it sooner than he does.

  I don’t know enough about your relationship to answer this, but things like previous relationships, parents’ marriage, childhood history, and financial stability all influence people’s readiness to get married. He could be struggling with any of these things. Whatever the reason, he’s not ready to propose, so it’s up to you to decide if you have enough faith to stick around, or if it’s indeed time to go. Don’t make it an ultimatum. Ask yourself if you’re happy, or not, and whether he’s worth waiting for. Only you can make that choice.

  The TV show is a great example of how different we are. I was really interested in it when I first auditioned. It sounded like something that would be great fun, and potentially kind of exciting. Albert was not interested in it at all. He said I could do it if I wanted to, so I went and auditioned. When I found out that I had been cast, he did not want to be a part of it, but because it was important to me, he would appear on the show. You’ll notice, however, he’s not on it as much as the other husbands, and that’s at his request. He only does the show because he knows that viewers want to see my entire family life, and he is such a massive part of my life it wouldn’t be right if he weren’t on the show occasionally. Al also recognizes that for now, this show is my career, and he supports me fully in it.

  I’ve been lucky in love with the man I married, but I’ve watched my sisters, friends, and my daughter encounter bad guys, and they’re thankfully almost as easy to spot. A guy will never be right for you if he doesn’t listen to you or respect you. If you meet a guy, and all he wants to do is talk about himself, he doesn’t really have time for you or anyone else. Worst of all, if a man belittles you, or makes fun of you or your life, you need to run. A good man is happy to let you have the spotlight and see you shine. Albert and I love to let our lights shine on each other; that’s how it should be.

  Despite my certainty upon meeting Al, I don’t believe in love at first sight. Not at all. When I saw Vito with Lauren, I said, that’s going to be your husband. They met when she was sixteen and they didn’t even start dating until she was twenty-one. It’s first impressions. Who’s to say that they’ll definitely marry? They’ve been dating three years, and if you ask me, they’re headed that way. It wasn’t love at first sight for them, but I immediately recognized that Vito had a lot of the same qualities as Al, and I knew Lauren would come around eventually.

  At a very young age, I told myself to find the one who’s going to make me smile. I always knew the stereotype of a perfect guy is a myth. However, there’s someone out there who’s perfect for each of us. You just have to figure out what that is, and be open to it when it comes along. I’ve always said, Al isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect, but we’re perfectly matched for the longest race of our lives.

  Recognize these relationship red flags

  If you’re not fighting, you’re in trouble. Fighting shows you care. If you don’t fight, you don’t care. I’m talking about little disagreements and spats, they’re important.

  If he disrespects or talks down to you, it means he has stopped caring for you.

  If he belittles or degra
des you, this is a big red flag. A need to humiliate you in public is not healthy for you.

  If he doesn’t take you seriously, it will never work. I’m talking about a man who just says “yes, dear” when you talk about your dreams of the future. He’s not treating you as an equal.

  If he’s emotionally distant, or worse, physically distant, something’s wrong. If your husband doesn’t want sex, he’s getting it from somewhere else.

  If your partner has become angry and bitter, something has changed in the way he views you. Try to talk it over to find out what is bothering him before it’s too late.

  Believe in fate.

  I believe in fate and God’s will, with all my heart. And meeting Al was fate.

  My family moved from New York to New Jersey when I was sixteen. I finished school and went right to work. I had no social life at all. I went home from work and cooked and helped my mom. I was dating a guy named Mark, we dated for a year, but somehow I always knew he wasn’t going to be the one.

  My dad met Al’s dad through their attorneys, and they became friends. My brother Anthony was having his wedding at this place in West Orange, and my dad heard that Al’s dad had bought The Brownstone, and we should go look at it for the wedding.

  My dad went to The Brownstone and he told my brother that he liked The Brownstone and he liked Al’s family and he wanted to give them some business. So they moved the wedding to The Brownstone.